I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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