Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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