So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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