I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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