i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
