These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
