Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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