i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
