we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
