i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
