It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
