so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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