wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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