I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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