How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He passed out mid-signature
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize