just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
