My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
