Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
