dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you had me at cake vodka
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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