Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
