I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
