I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I pour the whiskey from now on
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
