a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
