I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
