I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
