By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
