history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
