My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You are a genius and a whore.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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