Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
