she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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