Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
