you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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