What a fucking waste of an outfit
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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