so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
