I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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