so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
did i walk over a car last night?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
