I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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