Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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