I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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