Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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