yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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