You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
