I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
