Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
