Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
