when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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