Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
