Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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