I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
