can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
