I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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