I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
