I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
