oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
