Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
